New Year, New Inner Space

Hello 2020!

It's only been a few days into the new year and I realized that I'm off to a pretty good start.

Get this: I recently forgave someone without even noticing. It rather snuck up on me 🤭. Okay, maybe forgiveness is a strong word, but my inner space did shift significantly. And looking back, that feels like a mini-miracle.

I hate that this is true but I spent a good part of 2019 absolutely despising someone. This was a new thing for me. I mean I've disliked people before and all, but this was a Whole. Nutha. Level. This was you-step-on-my-property-I-will-call-the-cops hate. 

I had good reason. Oh, did I ever. I'll skip the specifics but let's just say this imbecilic goon put me and my family through hell, in the name of money and greed. Selfish beyond comprehension. They ultimately did us all a favour and moved out of the country for a few years. 👏👏👏👏 🎊🎉 😃😃😃 !!! But the trail of destruction they left behind (and the pain that came with it) lingered for a while.

After that fiasco, I went into a downward spiral of being completely consumed with hatred for this person and wanting some kind of justice. The mental space it occupied was a full-time job (with no pay, of course). 

So months passed and I didn't get justice per se, but I did get a few satisfying moments. Like learning they were struggling as a result of the unintelligent choices they made. Learning that everything we predicted was unfolding (duh- our pet cockatiel with a brain the size of a pea could have predicted the outcome here). But I was never satisfied for long- sooner or later, anger crept back in, and down again I went, into a dark ugly hole of hating this person with a passion.

Unexpected Peace

There was eventually light at the end of this dark-ass tunnel.

Healing looked something like this: support from therapy and friends. Feeling whatever came up. Even confronting this heartless turd with a letter (since they ignored invitations to meet, like a true coward).  It was especially empowering since they're not used to being put in their place! Choosing to let them have the "last word" with their vile and barely comprehensible retorts (or moreso, letting them think they did, so as to not engage in childish back and forth with someone who has the emotional maturity of a 13-yr-old). One of us had to be the adult. Writing cathardic poems. Indulging in my anger a bit and laughing at their stupidity.

For the longest time, they still got to me though. Nothing seemed like enough.

But then it happened. I'm not sure how or why exactly, but it happened- I stopped caring, and I -brace yourselves- let. it. go. HALLELUJAH! 

I wish I could give more insight as to how, but I don't have a neat and tidy answer. It was a series of small things that added up, I guess. My husband called me out on my pettiness. Although he was supportive (and not to mention, also hurting) through all of this, he expressed how much of a turnoff it was when I acted a certain way. That made me think.

It then dawned on me that hanging onto this was way too ironic. It was giving more power and attention to a person who 1- I don't respect, and 2- who already had all of the control in a situation that they manipulated to their advantage. Why give them any more control?! Besides, what bigger insult can you give a narcissist than not caring about their existence in any way/shape/form? Something that would only play with their insecurities and upset their brittle little egos even more. Genius.

The defining moment that confirmed to me that I'd moved on was when they were on a facetime call with someone sitting right beside me, and I felt NOTHING. Normally I would have to leave the room or practically bite my tongue off to stop myself from shouting something sarcastic in the background. But this was total, 100%, legit indifference. And it felt great.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference"- one of my favourite quotes.

Forgiving someone or at the very least not fixating on them and how gross they are is letting go of the hold they have on you. It is quite a great gift to give yourself. It frees up your energy so you can focus on YOU, on the people you love and on way more exciting priorities. I now have about as much of a charge for their existence as I do for, say, the dishwasher in our kitchen.

Don't get me wrong- will I still get annoyed of them when they do the next stupid thing? Of course I will. Am I supposed to like them now? Oh hell no. They're still the human version of puss. Will I still make fun of them from time to time when their latest poor life decision or sad embellishment comes to my attention? Yes, absolutely. But the heavy, seething resentment is gone. I am no longer dwelling on something that doesn't serve me and that I can't change. The pain was tended to, felt and has been dealt with. Amen!

What a great way to start the new year- with an emotionally clean(er) slate. 

What can you leave in 2019?

Xo

Margaret